WASHINGTON, D.C. — July 1, 2025In a historic and characteristically flamboyant move, former President Donald J. Trump today celebrated the grand opening of what he has dubbed “Alligator Alcatraz” — a fortified detention center surrounded by a moat filled with live alligators — mere hours after the Senate passed his long-promised legislative package, officially titled the One Big Beautiful Bill (OBBB).“They said it couldn’t be done. But guess what? I did it. We’ve got the bill, we’ve got the gators, and we’re bringing law and order back—tremendously!” Trump declared at a ribbon-cutting ceremony held atop a golden podium, flanked by roaring animatronic eagles.The ‘Alligator Alcatraz’ FacilityLocated on a remote island in the Gulf of Mexico, the facility is billed as a "detention and deterrence solution for the 21st century." Its most controversial feature: a 30-foot-deep moat filled with genetically enhanced, Florida-imported alligators — “the best in the world,” according to Trump.Security advisors claim the gator-infested waters are a “cost-effective” perimeter defense, though human rights groups have already filed lawsuits alleging inhumane conditions and theatrical cruelty.What’s in the One Big Beautiful Bill?The 2,400-page bill, passed narrowly in the Senate by a vote of 51-49, combines elements of immigration reform, border infrastructure spending, social media regulation, and a $10 billion line-item for “patriotic hologram technology.” Highlights include:Mandatory loyalty oaths for federal employees.Construction of a “Liberty Wall” made of reflective solar panels on the southern border.Federal funding for the Trump Presidential Library and Steakhouse in Mar-a-Lago.Immediate ban on any product labeled “woke.”Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (reanimated and now mostly robotic) called the bill “a triumph of vision over coherence.”Bipartisan ReactionsDemocrats reacted with predictable outrage. Senate Minority Leader Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez called the bill “a dystopian fever dream with gators,” while Sen. Josh Hawley said it was “the kind of legislation we need to restore Western civilization.”Meanwhile, Elon Musk tweeted that he’s “intrigued by the alligator moat concept” and may incorporate it into the next Mars colony design.Editor’s Note:While the bill is unlikely to survive judicial review, Trump has vowed to expand Alligator Alcatraz into a franchise model: "Think Guantanamo meets Jurassic Park — but classy!"