SIOUX FALLS, SD — July 1, 2025
In a press conference brimming with patriotic flair and barbed wire aesthetics, South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem issued a stern warning to undocumented immigrants across the U.S.: “Self-deport now, or you may find yourself swimming with the gators in Alligator Alcatraz.”
The governor’s comments come just days after former President Donald Trump cut the golden ribbon on Alligator Alcatraz — a remote offshore detention facility surrounded by a moat teeming with live, highly territorial alligators.
“This isn’t your grandma’s holding facility,” Noem declared, standing next to a life-sized bronze statue of an armed border agent riding an alligator. “If you cross our border illegally, you’re going to meet American justice — and maybe a nine-foot reptile with zero tolerance.”
Cross-State Crackdown
Though South Dakota shares no international borders, Noem has deployed over 300 National Guard troops to “assist with moral support” at the southern border and "study reptilian perimeter security models" for potential inland use.
“We’re not just building fences,” she added. “We’re building deterrence you can hear hissing in the night.”
What Is Alligator Alcatraz?
Officially designated as the Trump National Security Detainment and Wildlife Sanctuary, Alligator Alcatraz has already been condemned by Amnesty International, PETA, and Disney. Located on a militarized island off the Gulf Coast, the facility is rumored to house over 2,000 detainees, a Taco Bell Express, and one very aggressive albino gator named “Steve Bannon.”
Critics Call It ‘Insane,’ Supporters Call It ‘Effective’
Democrats have blasted Noem’s remarks as “fear-mongering cosplay politics,” while Republican lawmakers like Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene called her “a frontier queen defending the real America.”
Fox News aired a special segment titled “Gator Justice: Is It the Answer?” while MSNBC countered with “Cruelty in the Swamp.”
Meanwhile, Trump himself posted on Truth Social:
“Kristi is doing a FANTASTIC job. The gators are very happy — best-fed reptiles in America. Joe Biden couldn’t wrestle ONE of them. Sad!”
Coming Up Next:
Mike Lindell proposes “electric pillow fences” as border defense.
Ted Cruz spotted buying Crocs with a Gator Patrol patch.
Florida man sues after mistaking Alligator Alcatraz for Disney’s Typhoon Lagoon.